Uppity Woman: Let’s Recap and Clarify

Uppity Woman has graciously agreed to share her latest insights into the mysterious depths of the Osama bin Laden fairy tale.

It’s all clear now, she writes.

Osama’s wife was killed. His wife was not killed. She was a human shield. She was not a human shield. She rushed at the SEALs and got killed. She rushed the SEALs and got shot in the calf. She did not rush the SEALs, she got shot in the calf in the cross-fire.

Osama fought back. He did not fight back. He made a wrong move. He didn’t move. He moved. He fought back. He was in a firefight. He did not fight back. He was armed. He was not armed.

Five people were killed. One was a woman. She was and was not a human shield. She was and was not Osama’s wife. She was and was not Osama’s aide’s wife. She was Osama’s courier’s wife. She rushed the SEALs when they entered. She did not rush the SEALs. She was killed in cross-fire. She got killed being a human shield. She was not a human shield. She’s dead.

Osama’s son Hamza was killed. No, it was his son Khalid. It probably doesn’t matter. He’s probably got a boatload of them and couldn’t even keep them straight himself.

The SEALs had little cameras on their helmets, and Barack and Everybody who is Anybody watched the mission unfold. They saw the whole thing but they didn’t see Osama get killed.

Osama is dead but his body is gone. Osama swims with the fishes. But before they put him in the plastic bag with the concrete block, they gave him a bath, wrapped him in a sheet and gave him a Muslim funeral ceremony. Then they put him in the bag with something very heavy and yelled to the sharks not to come around so the carp could get their turn. Then they gently dropped his carcass lowered him into the water.

There was a goat. There is always a goat, I’m telling you. The goat is doing fine now. Osama, not so much. But hey, at least they didn’t behead him on video. That would have been bad and offended somebody, unlike the beheading videos America had to endure.

Bush said he wanted Osama dead or alive. That was bad. Bush was a cowboy. That was bad. Obama said he wanted Osama dead or dead. That was good. Obama is a cowboy. That is good. Bush killed AQ’s number two a couple of times. That was bad. KILLER! KILLER! KILLER! Obama killed Osama. That was good. GO USA! USA! USA! OBAMA! OHHHHHH BAMAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Obama announced that Justice Has Been Served. Besides, it beats listening to his base bitch and moan if they took the cockroach alive and had to torture him over at Camp X-ray, which would have been bad if Bush did it, but would have been good if Obama did it because it would have been 11 Dimensional Chess. Obama is not like Bush. It just looks that way because of the Chess. K THX Shuddup.

Any questions?

Part 2, The Sequel:

Obama threw some flowers over at Ground Zero in 2008.

He hasn’t been back since.

It looked like he just didn’t care, but he really did care. He was just busy. But he’s going back now. He skipped two Anniversary ceremonies but now he wants to make it up to them (relatives, media?) so he can get some Mission Accomplished photos. Bush did a Mission Accomplished photo. That was bad. Obama will do a Mission Accomplished photo. That’s good.

Obama invited Bush to his photo op. That is good. Bush refused. That is bad. It would have looked great as a photo op for Obama. Obama and his hero. Caption: When I grow up I want to be just like you. I’m almost there right now.

Barack probably won’t throw flowers this time. That wouldn’t make a good campaign photo. If he brings flowers, he will lay them ever-so-gently. That would make a good photo op. And then he will hug and kiss some relatives after an elaborate explanation as to why he had Osama’s carcass thrown into the ocean. Then ten thousand college students will hoot and stomp and yell Obama! Obama! Obamaaaaaaaaaa!!!! like they did at what was supposed to be a memorial service for dead people in Arizona. There will be T-shirts, printed in China. Tomorrow, they will still all be unemployed.

Any questions?

Barack, showing He Cares in 2008.